Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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