wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
