When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
