even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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