Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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