i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
