Betty ford says i'm here all night
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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