I cockslap morals
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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