Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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