girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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