i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
