grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
