Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize