I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
