i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
