he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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