she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
