At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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