I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
