A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
