I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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