are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
