Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
