Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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