Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
