last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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