Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
