i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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