I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
