Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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