There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
