yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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