i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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