This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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