Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
