Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize