What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
