The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
