Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
