Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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