My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
