I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
