my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
