i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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