I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
