Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
