does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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