she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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