So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
