U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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