you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
