During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
