Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
