It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
