Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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