The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
