I wish life had little blips of pornography
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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