is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
