So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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