If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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