my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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