remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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